Upon meeting a potential partner, we begin shifting in ways we never thought possible.
Each of us have superpowers that have developed over lifetimes of experience. When we enter a romantic partnership, these abilities are negated. We are humbled, we are vulnerable, we are human.
To me, this is not about the partner or even the partnership. This is about self acceptance. Intimate relationships are a super conductor of reflective energy. Whilst alone I may know myself well. I may have learned my ins and outs, my flaws and my shadows. I choose my thoughts and actions wisely. I hold a safe protective energy, ensuring not to expose the sensitive parts of my being to harshness or uncertainty. With minor exceptions here and there, we learn to protect ourselves from the most challenging situations.
When we ‘fall for someone’ or ‘fall in love’, we are agreeing to an uncertain energy. The waves of emotion and excitement that weave in and out of our bodies draw us into territory that, without these feelings, we’d have no business getting into.
I have been there, many times in my life. I will likely do it again, but for now, I am happy to focus on myself. In a way, I am probably just preparing for the next relational adventure, who knows?
As we are swept up in what some call the ‘honeymoon phase’, we make concessions to our normal routines. We are willing to sacrifice where before, we had zero interest in doing so. That feeling of love, of excitement, is the difference. When making decisions of how to take care of ourselves, we take inventory of our body and mind. If the body wasn’t so titillated and excited, the inventory looks different and thus our decisions different. We may find ourselves moving ‘too fast’ into something. We may get into new hobbies that before we wanted nothing to do with. Our friends may even feel like they do not know who we are anymore.
This is the magic of human connection on the intimate level.
“the ‘lows’ and the ‘blues’ may also serve the soul well, pushing us to extremes where fresh vision and altered perspective afford new spiritual discoveries.”
Thomas Moore “The Planets Within”
The initial electricity between two people is often a symbol of a lesson(s) to come at a future date. Once the magnetism between two people has brought us to sufficient intimacy levels, we can then unfold the true reason why the souls are meeting.
Have you ever felt like something was ‘fated’? Like it just HAD to happen?
I know that I have. In fact, all of my long term relationships have begun and ended in quite a ‘fated’ fashion. Each one of them leaving me with, well, myself. In a raw and unadulterated form. Soo much pain, but also so much joy. The issue is, the connections seem to be frontloaded with the joy, pleasure, and excitement. By the time it is fizzling or ending (another way of indicating that the true lesson of the connection has been revealed) all that is left is the less than enjoyable process of learning about my own projective identification. Wherein I am revealing myself, to myself, through assuming things about my partner/world/others.
Side Note :: Western society is far less inclined to acknowledge the balance of all things. However, eastern philosophy is quite clear on this. For their to be pleasure, there also must be pain. For their to be ecstasy beyond the normal bounds of life, there must also be a pragmatic, sobering, and grounding energy. The honeymoon period of bliss is an indicator of a sobering chapter upcoming.
The Honeymoon Phase Unlocks Us
Many individuals confuse the ending of the ‘honeymoon’ period with the ending of the relationship. I would argue that is the graduation point, the end of the interview. From there, you can truly decide whether or not you would like to continue learning from and being a teacher for this person. Prior to this time, we were in a stupor of hormones and flights of fancy.
If you, however, are looking for something light and easy going, a series of honeymoon periods likely suits you, and you can keep going from person to person as the magic wears off.
The one thing that cannot be escaped, however, are the personal lessons that each person is leaves you with. Through ending the connection, you won’t have to face it so blatantly. Nevertheless it will show up in your psyche, even if only as a projected anger or disdain for the connection. Like a stain covering up your wounding, which you yourself brought to the connection, you may resent them and ‘what they’ve done’.
We have all met people who consider all of their exes to be awful people. This, to me is a red flag that indicates a lack of personal responsibility for their role in the unfolding. If and when you find this, tread carefully.
For most people, the honeymoon phase lasts between six months and two years, but there is no hard and fast rule for how long you should be in this phase. No one can predict the future to see how long their honeymoon phase will last, so the most important thing to do is enjoy every minute of it and take it one day at a time.
Brides Magazine “What is the Honeymoon Phase”
As you can see from this quote, the recommendation is to enjoy it while it lasts. I personally agree with this, but with a few caveats. If, during the honeymoon period, you feel that you would like to move in with someone, share finances or invest together, or anything that would later require a more laborious separation, I would advise of getting to know them and their fears, insecurities, and weak points in these specific areas. Basically, if you are going to invest in something together, get to know their investment history, INTERVIEW them.
It is one thing to go on a vacation or road trip with someone, it is an entirely different venture to marry them, share a sexual connection, live with them, or have children with them. If we were going on a road trip, I’d wanna know that you had gas money, a drivers license, and liked good music. If we were going to move in together, I’d wanna know a lot more about you, perhaps things that would only unfold over time.
I would be a hypocrite if I said don’t move quickly in relationships. I don’t believe there is anything inherently ‘wrong’ with that either. People should enjoy one another, take risks, go on adventures. Just as I wouldn’t go on a multi day trip in the backcountry without studying maps, I wouldn’t recommend investing in life with someone I didn’t know that well.
To bring this back down to Earth, it’s hard to know what is real within relationships, even if it has been ten years. All that we can do is ensure that we are not enmeshing with the partner. Talk to friends or family about the connections you get into, get some outside perspective. The people you have known for years, and with whom you don’t share exacerbated chemical bonds, will give you better feedback on your life than that newly minted partner.
Lessons as the Ultimate Blessing
The unavoidable nature of self is constantly unfolding. Everyday we are learning more and more about ourselves. We can make attempts to deny what we learn but, honestly, this is a great way to make your life miserable. When we try to change others instead of looking at ourselves, this is sign that we are trying to shoot the messenger and have some growth to encounter. When we are involved in too much of others peoples drama, this is also a sign we are avoiding our own growth path. It is natural to be in avoidance of certain things. Hell, I am sure that for generations, not many people in your lineage have taken a good hard look at the patterns that make them ill. We are currently in a golden age of spiritual awareness. Many of our basic needs are part of social systems. These systems certainly are not perfect, but they allow us to spend our time considering the nature of our existence, as opposed to spending every waking moment chopping wood, carrying water, and protecting our space.
Relationships are a skeleton key to your repressed memories and patterns. As stated earlier, when alone, we hold ourselves in a certain way that protects us from being too vulnerable. When we enter in a partnership, that way of holding ourselves becomes malleable and all but ineffective. As we become more and more comfortable with this break in our routine, deeper parts of us relax. Almost as if the guard at the gate decided to stroll through the garden with his crush instead of defend our psyche. Left unchecked, we begin to notice things about ourselves. This is an intense rush of energy. The undeveloped life force flows through us and the connection to the other. We may even believe that this person is freeing us from our bondage! In some ways, that is true, they are the catalyst enabling the dissolution of rigid self protective structures. The true change, though, is the permission you have given yourself to ‘go with the flow’ and be a little more loose.
There are some things that we just can’t learn on our own. No matter how much time we spend meditating, journaling, or talking to a therapist, we must also practice these techniques and findings with others to integrate and refine them.
There is massive projection from the unconscious. For years, decades, or even lifetimes, we have been telling our awareness to do anything but make US accountable. The repressed feelings and memories aren’t likely to be the ones that are fun to experience.
Ideally, through personal work, accountability, and vulnerability, the partnership can be a safe place to unfold these psychodramas as they come to the surface to be filtered and reclaimed as personal power.
Love is a battlefield
Pat Benatar
Well, it doesn’t have to be, but there are certainly explosions in the sky. The best and the worst of us will be drawn to the surface by the magnetism, sexual connection, and ups and downs associated with dating, partnership, and marriage. Know your partner, and only offer what you are comfortable with.
Don’t Lose Yourself
In the end, all we really have is ourselves. If we lose this, we lose everything. In my experience, the negatives of my relating (which have been overwhelmingly positive) have been connected to the pattern of losing myself in the presence of another.
I sacrificed far too much for far too long. Not at the behest of the people I dated, but at the behest of my insecurities and fears of rejection. Between the hormones and love chemicals in my brain, I did not even know I was doing this until my late thirties. In recent years, I have been able to notice when I do it, and decide whether or not I consent.
Looking for a real one? Wanna get to the truth within a relationship as quick as possible?
Be yourself. Dress how you want to. Say what you mean. Give them the opportunity to get to know you for real. Give them permission to express themselves in the same fashion.
Fear of abandonment and rejection are part of being alive. Not too many generations ago, being ostracized from a community could mean imminent death. The inner drive to be accepted is strong. In addition, before our current wave of consciousness, to be without a child was also a type of death. Our DNA seeks to survive, thrive and procreate. There are so many systems within our body that drive us towards intimate connection with a partner. It is seemingly the easiest thing in the world to just give in to the will of someone when you seek their approval or assistance.
The work of consciously bringing these patterns and underlying motivations to the surface… that is generational healing.
You don’t have to please anyone. The song and dance of romantic connection is fun, but in the end, you’ll be standing there, with your truth exposed. You can be happy on your own, and until you own that, relationships will always have a nervy and tenuous feeling.
As you can probably tell, I am not interested in dating games. Decades of my life with amazing partners has taught me well, I just don’t care about the initial stages any longer, they just don’t hold the same value. I seek the energy of authenticity. Honeymoon phase be damned, let’s get real.
I share my personal experiences to offer a view into where I am coming from. I don’t claim to be an expert at anything except trying to be myself.
Life holds many surprises and we never know what tomorrow brings. Relationships with partners are, in my experience, the greatest learning tool available to us. As days pass by, there is a desire and urge to grow and evolve. No matter what you’ve experienced in the past, or what you experience today, the future holds limitless possibilities.
In your ventures with others, stay open.
In your relationship to yourself, stay grounded.
When relating to wounds, remember that these are tools for growth, not stains on your soul.
Every challenge and event in your life is here for you to experience fully.
The best is always yet to come, and your dedication to your own self mastery and self love will prepare you to receive and enjoy it.
