A Satirical Preview of Super Bowl LIV

It’s aquarius season again and you know what that means! The NFL Super Bowl returns to galvanize global audience. This year, the roman numerals spell out ‘LIV’. One can only assume this is a coded cry for help from the players, hoping to live through 60 minutes of smashing their brain matter together.

This year pits the Chiefs of Kansas City against the 49ers of San Francisco. The players and coaching staffs have a ton on the line. Kansas City players are playing for pride. They are playing to bring a title back to Kansas City and give the people who live in Kansas City anything at all interesting to talk about or to do with their time. Many fans who attended the AFC Championship game are still nursing frostbite from the sub freezing temperatures.

San Francisco players are literally playing for their livelihood. Many receive bonuses if they play well in or win the Super Bowl. Without these bonuses, the cost of living in San Fran may be too much for the 49ers and they may have to consider moving to the East Bay or even worse, to Arizona. Many have been working second jobs during the two week layoff between the NFC championship and Super Bowl, times are tough in SF. Our prayers are with them and their families.

Coaching Comparison

Andy Reid – veteran coach of the Kansas City Chiefs

Andy Reid is a veteran coach. He is known as a QB specialist and he certainly hasn’t disappointed in his work with Patrick Mahomes (see below).

This will be Andy Reid’s second super bowl appearance as a head coach. The last time, he brought the Philadelphia Eagles within a score of winning the big game. On the potential game winning drive, his quarterback, Donavan McNabb, was found vomiting in the huddle, things didn’t end well. To curb this QB vomiting, Reid has stated that donuts will no longer be available on the sideline. Quote Reid “Despite my obvious resemblance to a small town police chief, donuts do not contribute to a culture of winning.”

Reid made a huge decision a few years back when he decided to trade away his star QB Alex Smith. Alex Smith was the perfect QB for winning the regular season, a real game manager. Since trading him, Patrick Mahomes has shown himself as an MVP while Alex Smith broke his leg while playing for the Washington Racial Slurs. In fact, the Racial Slurs lost numerous QBs to broken legs in the past years. It is almost as if the team is cursed in some way, lords knows what that is all about.

Kyle Shanahan – the hot shot young offensive minded coach of the 49ers

Kyle Shanahan has been made to look like a genius because his teams are winning. He is young, he thinks differently. His teams are winning because of their defense, and he is the offensive guru, so obviously he is amazing, right?

Just last year, the Los Angeles Rams coach Sean Mcveigh was in this same position. Having just turned Jared Goff into Kurt Warner, the Rams sputtered out in the Super Bowl as the Patriots won yet again.

Kyle Shanahan hopes to write a different story behind a mistake free style of football that relies heavily on their massive defense. You may remember Kyle Shanahan’s father, Mike Shanahan, who won the Super Bowl with John Elway and the Denver Broncos. To this point, Kyle hasn’t really done anything important, besides having a ruggedly handsome defensive coordinator and stacked defensive line.

QB Comparison

Jimmy Garoppolo

Jimmy Garoppolo – the strapping young QB from the 49ers

Jimmy has had some sensational games this season for the 49ers. He ranks #1 in all of football in “Mr. Steal Your Girl”, an intangible he gleaned from working under heartthrob Tom Brady in New England. His charm will undoubtedly play a role in the big game. Most QB’s attempt to shield their eyes and intentions when running through progression, but Jimmy G is different, he wants you to melt into his chiseled good looks and see into his modelesque physique and soul. Look for Jimmy to throw less than 20 times as they are preserving him for modeling competitions in the offseason.

Patrick Mahomes

Patrick Mahomes – the gunslinging QB bringing glory back to KC

Patrick Mahomes is the player on the field that will offer excitement at any moment. He is quick, has unlimited arm angles for releasing the ball, and both looks and sounds like a muppet. Patrick Mahomes is the one guy you don’t wanna see get injured in this game, things will go downhill quickly. Look for him to be the reason that Super Bowl LIV is a fun game, and also why the KC Chiefs come out victorious.

Various Pregame Awards

Guy Most Likely Putting Steroids in his Pregame Smoothie

Nick Bosa – come git some

Besides every player on both teams, this award goes to Nick Bosa. Nick bosa also wins the award for “Guy Most Likely to Scream ‘WHOOO’ like Ric Flair after a Sack”. Expect the announcers to gush over his ‘Motor’ and his ‘Work Ethic’.

Player Who Could use some Love

Tyreek Hill – fastest man in the NFL

Earlier this season Tyreek Hill allegedly broke his sons arm as a way of disciplining him. Not knowing his own strength, he shook the boy and the evidence, if you go down the rabbit whole, is pretty damning. However, The Kansas City Chiefs would not be where they are without him. In fact, in his first game back after a suspension for the domestic abuse, he broke his collar bone, so maybe karma has played it’s role. If you listen to some of the tape, it’s a huge BOO for this guy. Expect him to make multiple plays throughout the game where you say “Is that guy really that fast?” Yes, he really is.

Player Most Likely to be Intense Beyond Reason

Richard Sherman – Shown here seething with anger over the injustices in our world

Richard Sherman has won a super bowl before with the Seattle Seahawks. He has also lost one, in crushing fashion, as Pete Carroll decided to throw a slant on the 1 yard line that was intercepted by the New England Patriots. Here is a shot of Sherman at that moment.


The Seahawks at this time had a first down and also had a player, Marshawn Lynch, lovingly referred to as beast mode. They didn’t hand him the ball, potentially because it was late in the game and they were scared he would eat it. However, the decision handed Tom Brady yet another Super Bowl, and gave us this iconic shot of Richard Sherman’s heart exclaiming “WTF dawg?”.

Richard Sherman is perhaps the most eloquent and intelligent player in the NFL. He uses his platform to speak up on social issues and is incredibly passionate. He has transformed his game over the years and is a rock solid human being. Love me some Sherm.

If the 49ers win, expect Richard Sherman to be the poster child for “Not visiting the White House”.

Kicker Comparison

Everyone focuses on QB’s and Coaches, defensive standouts and the like. However, Super Bowls tend to be low scoring games that come down to late execution and yes, kicking. Let’s take a look at the two kickers.

Robbie “Good as” Gould

Robbie Gould, San Francisco 49ers

Robbie Gould spent most of his career with the Chicago Bears, because of this, he hasn’t played in a ton of meaningful games. In fact, this year, he was rated as the worst place kicker in the league. Over his career, nonetheless, he has been one of the most accurate in league history, and here is what really matters.

Robbie Gould Playoff Stats

Robbie has never missed a playoff field goal, including 6/6 on 40+ and 1/1 on 50+. Many super bowls are decided by kickers, and expect Gould to be the difference in a close game. Imagine the pressure of coming on the field 1, 2, maybe 3 times, during the biggest game of your life, and the entire team and world watching you. Robbie was built for this.

Harrison Butker, Kansas City Chiefs

Harrison will be tested truly for the first time in his NFL career. He was phenomenal in the regular season missing just 4 field goals with 3 of them being over 50 yards. Of those he did make, there was a 56 yarder, so Butker’s got the boot.

Butker has limited playoff experience

Butker just hasn’t been in the spotlight, in their run to the AFC Championship game last year the Chiefs only attempted 2 field goals, and this year only 1. He has made all three, but none have them have been over 40 yards. With Kansas City’s incredibly dynamic offense, it’s been mostly touchdowns, not a lot of yards left on the field.

With San Francisco’s dominant defensive set up, TD’s may not be easy to come by, expect Harrison to get his Butker out there on the field for a few longer FG attempts.

My Prediction

Patrick Mahomes will be running away from pressure from the 49ers front all night. This won’t be a problem for him, he is almost better when this happens. Don’t be surprised if the announcers use the term “schoolyard football” to refer to the way he “slings” it around the field.

Jimmy Garoppolo will be calm and collected, learning under Brady and Belichick, he a walking beta blocker. The offense will look pedestrian but will break out for big plays. George Kittle will refuse to be tackled, some trickery will give them an unexpected touchdown.

By the end of the game it will come down to a field goal and I put my money on Gould.

San Francisco 26 – Kansas City 23

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