Learning from Toxic Relationships

When two individuals are together, being their natural selves, and one or more of the parties is denigrated, this is toxicity.

Some individuals may be labeled as toxic, seemingly bringing down all of those they come in contact with.  These people are toxic to themselves and deserve an entirely different category.

Let the lessons in

No, toxic relationships are not one persons fault, they are a combination of two energies that lead to waste, sadness, frustration, and limit soul growth.  Because of this, it is easy for each person to blame one another and be blind to the role that they play.  It can also feel confusingly healthy as each person uses the other to mirror.

Toxic relationships create loads of sadness, because honestly, the only thing ‘wrong’ is the fact that these two people are together.  They are not inherently bad or evil, but they simply cannot occupy the same space and both be happy.  Even if one individual is willing to concede most battles of will and ego, he or she will find it impossible to do this forever, and will inevitably lash out at themselves or their partner.

When you’ve been patient just a smidgen too long

If you feel that you are in a toxic relationship with someone, friend, family, or lover, the best course of action is to take space from that person.  The lessons brought by these relationships are heavy and intense, as you will see a window into your shadow and darker aspects.

Looking in the mirror…

In my experience, my toxic relationships of the past were all the same until I decided to own myself.  Ironically, all of the lovely argumentative men and women I have shared intimacy with were, on a larger level, showing me the ME that I didn’t wish to see.

As soon as I accepted the undeniable truth that the universe brings you that which you are, I was able to escape this pattern of external manifestation of my own self hatred.

I am now in a stable, exciting, and communicative relationship.  My wife does not allow me to escape with cheap excuses and changes of subject.  When you find that match, the good and the bad blend together, become something workable, and assist in your collective evolution as a couple.

It was only through experiencing five out of seven relationships over 15 years that ended with infidelity did I realize that I had to get out of this cycle.  I hadn’t been the cheater once, so I assumed the victim role and just sailed on my sea of sorrow to the next woman waiting to be disappointed by my non committal yet overly needy approach to relationships.

Being a victim is hypnotizing yourself into a subservient life

All things are not equal, no, they are complicated and confusing.  Two human beings trying to survive third dimensional reality and all the trappings of moving planets, it’s amazing that we have any room for anyone else, much less time and space for a ‘relationship’.

People make mistakes, but even a marriage is simply an agreement, a promise, and promises, my friends, are made to be upheld, until they are inevitably broken by either time, circumstance, or choice.

I married my wife because I saw that she was the difference maker.  She was the goal I was seeking in my previous endeavors.  She does not allow me to escape me, but by her existence, brings me closer and closer to my potential expression as James.  My commitment to her was about this, not about an obligation, or a fix, or a biological or social clock for ‘getting hitched’.  It’s not about finances or having children or feeling better about my past hurts.  Nope, it was seeing that I had reached some sort of pinnacle in my personal development and seizing the opportunity.

size doesn’t matter, hearts are infinite 🙂 

Through the trials and tribulations that come along with coupling, I am challenged, confused, angry, and often petulant.  However, my relationship is no longer toxic with my partner, but my own internal toxicity is as clear as day, forcing me to make a decision regarding who and what I am and want to be.  I cannot simply blame her, because she is airtight, we coexist without the hatred, victim mentality, and bitterness that typify toxic connections.

What is YOUR Role?

If you blame your partner for how you feel, and it goes by unchecked, you will have to face it at some point.  The truth that YOU yourself are this feeling and you have attracted it within your environment.  Either to learn to say no to it, or to realize that you emanate this same energy and to make peace with yourself.

This is not about soulmates or twin flames, this is about self ownership and your relationship to your higher power.  There is no perfect person out there for you, YOU are that person.  Until you find the ability to own your feelings, you are fighting yourself, not allowing YOU to love YOU.  It is impossible for another to offer you ANYTHING that you do not offer yourself.

The hard truth is that the healing and peaceful relationship will only come in time.  There is no magic button or magic partner.  There are better fits of course, but as long as you think you will find prince charming hiding behind the grim reaper… GOOD LUCK.  Little did you know that the grim reaper is trying to kill the part of you that resists sharing, vulnerability, transparency, and honesty.


Sadly, or not, depending on your skew, we are individuals and even the most intimate of relationships will still be the meeting of two souls.  There is no salvation in the arms of another.  There is no greater love from another than there is within yourself.  There is no magic that can be created in your life that can be facilitated by another person of any type.

So I will leave you with this…

Do the work.  When you are angry at your partner, give credence to the feeling, acknowledge the emotion, and then make a plan.  Ask for forgiveness for your rash reaction and grace within your life as you awaken to your potential pitfalls.  Listen to the voice of your partner, let it resonate within your world, within your psyche.  Journal about your feelings to discover the deeper truths that lie beneath.  What you uncover will inform your process, allowing you to climb out of the hole of relational self destruction so common to our times.

When your dedication is to yourself, things will move forward.  From there and only there, can you begin to meet another being with the sovereign energy necessary to create long lasting and durable connections.

Xx Be patient with yourself, you are the only you you’ve got xX

About the Author

As an Intuitive Healer and Psychic Astrologer, James uses his empathic and psychic gifts to offer a supportive healing environment to his clients.  Spirit speaks through James in many forms including mediumship, visions, and direct messages from spirit guides.  All messages arimg_7424.jpge expressed with the ultimate goal of offering the most practical, direct, and painless healing path as is possible for those who seek his services.  James is a modern medicine man, and through healing his own mental and physical health challenges has learned the magic of plant and energy based healing.  Pulling upon the Earth’s ancient traditions of maintaining a balanced body, James will recommend crystals, supplements, and mindfulness activities to best align with your style to further bolster your growth and confidence.

One thought on “Learning from Toxic Relationships

Leave a Reply