I’ve come here to clear the depths of my souls attachments. Grief, apparently, was the goal.
The people I love and those who love me already know me. We’ve shared experiences, maybe here, maybe somewhere else.
Often I know at the first sight of someone, I have to go through it with them. Some magic spark. Some dream. Some awkward situation forcing us to come closer to one another.
Whatever the case, we collide and connect. We reverberate, respond, react.
I have a lot to get to in this lifetime, and it isn’t about fame or glory or building some legacy. I’m here to interact with people, get to know them, and love them.
Sometimes this love looks like the romantic love we were all taught as kids. Mostly though, this looks like accurately assessing the variables and responding in accordance with my logic, intuition, and guidance.
Recently I had an experience where what was right for me was inevitably going to hurt someone else. I love this person. However the dynamic was screaming for change. The scream was coming from inside me, so I had to create the boundary.
This triggered them greatly, which I knew it would. I wasn’t going to budge, though. I had pored over my words and approach and knew wholeheartedly what was right.
This is LOVE! Giving someone your honest expression of self. Compassionately and with nuance hopefully! But in the end, how they receive is not entirely under our control, just a lil bit.
When we allow ourselves to be broken down to our core fears and traumas, we also allow ourselves to clearly see our deep desires, needs, and passions.
In truth, we can’t hide from our triggers and truly hold our gifts. If you want to be aware of yourself, you can’t pick and choose what to look at. Shade is shade. Your garden of fruits and your garden of weeds live off the same light.
Take yourself as you are. Create space for others to do the same. Encourage them to be open and honest. Encourage them to hold back what they need to. Praise them for their self care, even if you want them to always think of you first. Challenge yourself to love someone so much that you are willing to let them go. If they can find someone who fits them better, why should any agreement or commitment get in the way of that.
For a long time I thought I had to learn to be alone. Spending time going from one long term relationship to another. As it turns out, I know exactly how to be alone, and I don’t really want to. I prefer partnership and relationships. Nothing wrong with that.
The pain drudged up in the last few years showed me all the ways in which I was allowing myself to put others before me. In addition, it taught me all the ways in which I want someone beside me. The two seemed to be blurred together.
I was hurt so deeply (not complaining just noting) from early experiences that I had conjured an approach to relating which prioritized keeping someone close over staying close to myself.
Talk about a recipe for disaster. Of course, at some point, this pain would break through the fabric of my connections and tear down the facade. No long term action taken against one’s own will can be sustained.
Sparing details, my experiences in intimate relating have taught me to keep everything on the surface. If I desire something long term, I either tell myself ‘nope’ or I express it the first chance I get. If I have desires with another, I ensure to encourage their free will over my desires. Keep in mind that everyone is the master of their own experience. They don’t need you and you don’t need them. Their presence is a blessing and an honor. If I can’t find that perspective, it’s time for me to go be alone or with someone else.
Purpose can be created in anyone, any space, any endeavor in which you are passionate. Indentity, however, must be fostered from within. Yes, reflect from your environment, but don’t let it define or direct you. Hold the wheel, drive where you need to go. Hike your own hike.
Wherever you are in your healing journey, allow relationships to be a space to learn about oneself and to also be a teacher. Everyone is gift.