This is not for everyone! I learn the way I learn, and I hope these insights are helpful.
Also, if you are reading this, I love you.
You never stop loving someone
Once I love someone, it never stops. I have had the pleasure of being in partnerships with some amazing people. Those connections ended, but the love only grows.
In fact, through the difficulty of navigating my divorce, I fell more deeply in love with my ex wife. The challenges in relationships are the places where we get to know more about one another. The more you know, the more you can love.
The hardest part of the separation is this. It would be really easy to separate if I just didn’t care about them anymore. That’s not how the heart works, though. To care for someone is to ACTUALLY care for them, not just conditionally approve of them because you share a home, sex, money, or child (cat) rearing.
There is always someone else
It may feel bleak. You spend a long time with someone, maybe you even believe (as I did) you were going to be with someone forever. Part of me had completely turned off to the wistful and hopeful ideal of another partner making me feel loved and cared for in the same way.
This isn’t the first time I have ended a relationship of 8 years. Both times I was devastated and thought ‘oh no, that’s it for me, no more deep intimate connection!’. Let’s be real… there are 7 billion+ people in the world, i’m sure you can find another Tom or Becky.
Once you find your footing, be prepared to be swept off your feet again. I know I have been. This year, and also in 2012 after the end of another long term connection.
When I say I learned this, what I really mean is that I want to remember this. It can be very easy to forget when things are ending. When the focus is on what we are losing, after so long of having something, the brain starts to buy into a lack mindset. Honey, go be yourself, do your healing, and someone else will meet you where you are.
Maintaining a friendship may not happen, but if it does, you’ll need some time apart
I am running out of fingers on my hand to count the times people have said to me ‘but I still want to be friends.’ Like yeah… me too dude! And just to clarify, I could be wrong about this for other people. For me, however, I bond so deeply, especially in marriage, that time apart is essential if there is to ever be a friendship.
There are different boundaries for friendships as opposed to romantic connections and marriages. In this world, setting and maintaining loving boundaries is about as complicated and taxing as any part of our lives.
In marriage, my partner has access to every part of me. (In part to an unhealthy degree, like I said, always working on boundaries) A friend, on the other hand, has access to selected energy and portions of my life experience. The patterning after a marriage is very strong. Habits built and fortified daily for most of a decade aren’t just going to go away because y’all went to the courthouse together.
Trying to shift from a marriage to a friendship overnight is like trying to change into dry clothes while in the shower. You are gonna be wet! You are going to want to treat and be treated like you did when you were married. It’s not that we can’t muster the discipline and the strength to resist the urge to fall back into patterns. It’s just not an efficient or self loving route.
Have you ever tried to to be ‘friends’ with an ex and then seen them with another lover or run into them unexpectedly. That kind of trauma effects us and only inhibits our ability to refresh and reframe our connection to this valuable person in our lives.
Friendship requires a level of comfort, respect, and personal space. There is a different kind of intimacy, holding space without knowing too many details. Not all relationships are built for both marriage and friendship exclusive of one another.
There are more friends in the world. In addition, people come together if they are supposed to, and if not, they don’t. Less control, more faith.
Wait to get married
Unless there is some kind of monumental benefit or need, marriage, to me, seems like a non necessity. I was just short of 34 when I got married. It certainly wasn’t a mistake, I am glad I did. In hindsight I would have liked to have seen more of myself and my partner in the relationship prior to doing so.
The institution of marriage is just that, an institution. It doesn’t have any specific quality, to me it is more of a container. Most everyone I have known has subscribed to come common qualities like fidelity, shared housing, shared finances, the desire to stay together through tough times. In the end, though, people can use marriage to mean whatever they want… it’s a ceremony.
The moment when you have that ceremony is very important. It locks in the energy and the intentions of that moment. If you have more time to get to know someone and develop a better idea of what you want and where you are going, that ceremonial moment will more likely align with who you are and who you are becoming.
The most important part of this one is about the self, not the other. Give yourself time to develop in relationship to this person, thus giving each of you a stronger foundation on which to build.
Added option… don’t get married
This one is obvious. Forget social convention, forget pressure from family. I will say, I am very happy that I did and think it kept us together through some periods where we would have ended things. In our situation, it was the right decision.
If you don’t have to, or are doing it because of some expectation or pressure, then don’t! If you want to, do it, otherwise, you can be perfectly happy with someone for the rest of your life even without the marriage.
Respect is more important than possessions
If you wanna feel good about yourself, don’t waste your time fighting over money and items. Instead, value your honor and your dignity. Refuse to be the one who starts the downward spiral into bickering. Refuse to allow yourself to be spoken to or treated like and enemy.
This can often mean that you stand for items you need, but in general, those things will come back to you. If you stoop to a lower level, you’ll feel that forever.
We are different people when we are no longer with our partner
I always tell clients and friends alike ‘You don’t ever see people when you aren’t around them.’
We have an impact on others. Simply by being in someones presence, we shift, however subtle or powerfully. In long term connections, we can even have a different couple identity that emerges. It’s not fake, it’s not a lie, it’s just who we become when heavily influenced by our sweetie.
When you each begin to spend time with others and not each other, that identity is being molded by different people. Seeing an ex, even after a few weeks of being apart can feel like ‘who is this person?’
This is normal, it is healthy. You are each gaining a new perspective on self, life, and the world. This is obviously going to change the way that you express yourself. This process helps us separate from our partner as well.
Staying close with an ex isn’t always healthy, we need to find ourselves again, that’s an important part of the journey.
Rebounds are necessary for some, don’t judge it
How and with whom your ex spends their time is none of your business. In today’s world, however, you’ll probably hear about or see something about it. If you shared community, it’s hard to avoid.
No matter what you find out, try to avoid the urge to judge. What every person needs is up to them.
Flip this around as well, treat yourself with the same respect. After a long term relationship, having a few shorter lived connections is perfectly healthy.
Be safe and have fun. Explore your new freedom.
It is a detox!
You may have symptoms from the energetic and bio chemical detox. This could look like depression, lack of appetite, anxiety, impulsiveness, food cravings, or mania. Things can feel really up and down as your body finds it’s balance again.
Anyone who has ever hooked up with their ex after a break up will know that it feels really high for a very short time, followed by a big low. Allow yourself to fully detox to the best of your ability. No contact is what this is all about.
In the meantime, try to get the same things from new people, places, and activities that you had with your ex partner. Massage, eye contact, someone to talk to, dinners, cuddles, dates!
Spend time with people, avoid the urge to isolate as it will only further exacerbate the symptoms associated with separation. Get out of the house whenever you can and reach out for support.
The person you were with, whether healthy or unhealthy, was supporting you big time! To lose that support all at once can be a lot to take, so call in your friends, family, and support team.
Don’t fall in love with your memories
Memories are just that. They are not reality. They are images of the past clouded with emotional impressions, hopes, wishes, and delusions.
The past was great, yes, but that doesn’t mean those circumstances will happen again. At times it can be helpful to remind yourself of the negative parts of the connection.
This is how you create a reality check for yourself. For instance, that vacation to Mexico was so amazing, riding bikes along the waterfront with the warm breeze. Also, we were bickering constantly and at one point I biked aggressively ahead because I was so angry!
When my mind comes across this memory, it only remembers the sweetness. In actuality, that was a really tough day that left me drained and kinda confused.
Something ending doesn’t mean it failed
Relationships don’t actually end, they simply transform. Sometimes that transformation means the end of a marriage or even the end of contact. The relationships lives on in it’s impact on you.
We learn so much from each other. The good times and the bad. The fun and the stressful. If we are together, we are learning from one another. This enriches our life experience.
While the marriage ends, the relationship is a success. Take what you’ve learned and be grateful for it. You have more successful endeavors to embark on shortly, get ready.
It’s very much okay to end a relationship, even if you love someone
This one is simple. You can love someone with all your heart. You can like someone as much as anyone you’ve ever known, and you can still end the relationship. We aren’t always on the same trajectory and we may just be holding each other back.
Following your heart and your intuition is never a bad decision. It takes a lot of bravery and faith to end a connection with someone you truly care about. It is, however, the most loving and caring thing you can do.
Have a Safe and Healing Holiday Season
The new year offers so many wonderful adventures and opportunities
James is a master at assisting others on their journey
with his Astrological Wizardry and Intuitive Gifts.
If you feel called, click the links below to learn more and to book a time with him.
